| People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around |
[31 Dec 2009|02:55pm] |
Good Bye 2009!
Album for 2009
January: Taylor Swift - Change
February: Arrah and the Ferns - Bernadette
March: Iron & Wine - The Trapeze Swinger
April: Owen - A Bird in Hand/Who found Who's Hair in Who's Bed?/Good Friends, Bad Habits
May: Laura Marling - Failure
June: Stars - Reunion
July: Saves the Day - Jukebox Breakdown
August: Casiotone for the Painfully Alone - Tonight was a Disaster
September: Brandtson - Drawing a Line in the Sand
October: Littlefoot - Swingsets and Mountaintops
November: Billy Joel - Vienna/ Why? - The Vowels pt. 2/The Hollows/These Few Presidents
December: The Mountain Goats - Attention All Pickpockets
(Book list coming soon. Maybe. If I'm not too lazy/forget.)
Plan for 2006:be more active/make things happen/stop waiting. Actionactionaction!
Plan for 2007: Be more open/honest/lessofanasshole-- remember not to shutpeopleout/runaway because you're afraid to get hurt. Stop waiting.
Plan for 2008: Do what you love. Lovelovelove! Tell people how you feel. Getintogradschool! Stop Waiting!!
Plan for 2009: Make it Happen or Give Up. Survive.
Plan for 2010: Let it be. Allow yourself to be happy. Live for yourself. ♥
Tell me your Album. Tell me your goals for this year. How will it be better than the last?
"To live and breathe is nothing," she had told Marlow, once. "To want to live and breathe is everything."
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[31 Dec 2009|09:51am] |
so i spent last night at this amazing house with a hallway of fountains, a rooftop pool and terrace overlooking the entire city. it's a skill i have, i think.. to just end up in these random amazing homes. sounds nice right? but afterward i always seem to feel so empty. i don't think i could ever live in a place like that. something that echoes when you talk.
i feel like i am in a vortex or something. i want to leave and i want to stay. how can someone want the opposite things so strongly at the same time. how much more neurotic can i be, really? its like you want to grow wings but you want to stay grounded. and i feel so jumbled up and empty? to fight this feeling, i will write down some things i want to accomplish in this new year.
[ ] stop drinking soda, of all kinds
[ ] drink more water! water!
[ ] TAKE MY VITAMINS. IS THAT SO HARD?!
[ ] just get my body better. not necessarily skinny (ideal). but jesus, NOT this.
[ ] start taking photos again! always!
[ ] wear what I WANT and not give a fuck.
[ ] just be me. really me. thats all.
Gustavo says: poli..., tngo q irme¡¡ cuidate, un beso¡¡ a.m.t.e.d.v
kelsey says: buuuuu. me deeejjasss. bueno.
Gustavo says: asi como tu me dejas :)
kelsey says: mentiraaa... aki estoy. ;)
kelsey says: chaoooo goose. <3
Gustavo says: chaoooo poliiiiiiiiiiiii (corazon),, PD: no enn cuentro el simbolo del corazon jijij
translation:
Gustavo says: moth, i have to go. take care, a kiss. (some crazy secret code)
kelsey says: buuuu. you're leaving me. fiiine.
Gustavo says: just like you seem to have left me. :)
kelsey says: thats a lie... im still here ;)
kelsey says: chaoooo goose. <3
Gustavo says: chao moth (heart).. PS i couldnt find the heart symbol haha.
THAT was pushing it kelsey.
i saw him from afar in the mall yesterday and just got all messed up inside and weird and it was ridiculous. like little girl nervous and bullshit. i spent the night on that rooftop terrace with juan pablo and he called me later and said things like, "my love, i adore you." and "don't ever go back home." and i couldnt/didnt respond. he got upset and said things like, "why dont you ever say things like this to me?" and "i hate when you do this." and i continued in silence. he told me that "if i dont want something, i shouldnt lie to him." and that "i should think about that and go to bed."
"....did you hear me? kelsey did you hear what i said. are you there?"
"mmm."
"...ya okay. then chao."
*click*
empty and full in the same moment. where am i now?
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| DUDES |
[30 Dec 2009|04:10pm] |
I brought back my Tumblr and need everyone's user names again.
Thanks!
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[30 Dec 2009|01:48pm] |
who wants to come visit me. this invitation is basically open to anyone. you just nee about $1200-$1500 depending and that includes your flight, food, accomidations, fun tourist shit, ya ya ya for about a week or so.
someone come see me. :D really.
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| I was thinking I could clean up for Christmas, then baby I'm through. |
[30 Dec 2009|01:31am] |
Four more weeks couldnt make any difference, except maybe to you.
1. Will you make me mixes for the drive &upload them to the internet or e-mail them to me? Danielascrima@gmail.com I like mix cds from the internet or when we used to decorate mix tapes. Someone was telling me a story about my younger self having pride about a tape deck and not wanting to get a cd player installed in the car but I just can't remember it. I remember when it was but part of me thinks I must have just said it, that I didn't really mean it, because they took out the slot for cassettes and then you could put in CDs.
2. I am always nervous the night before leaving anywhere but tonight I feel out of sorts in a particular sort of way. It feels surreal that I am going to see Alex with my new hair and my new year- it feels made up. These past two weeks I've been thinking I should make a new blog for a new decade because this blog is a decade old. I have been livejournalin since the first day of high school and I don't know how that makes ten years already. Ten years feels like a hundred years but some of it is so vivid, so all over the place. No lapses. It all comes in waves. That's all I can say about memories or sadness or great jumps of joy is that they all come in waves &that this too shall past & do you have any advil in your purse-- could you look?
3. I am going to miss my mother. I think something has gone wrong with society or my genetic make-up because now I feel this feeling that is so internal, so blood coarsing through my veins where I want to be surrounded by females that I am related to or life long friends with and it will all be like some other time that I remember with women around a kitchen table and I could hear the solace within their words and the way they stopped speaking when their husbands walked in. I want to hear that kind of silence. Go deaf from it. Go mad. It's all this "cut me in two" bullshit and this black and white mentality where I fail to see the gray area. There has never been a gray area and when I try and combine it all someone stops to tell me they arent even colors they are absences of reflections of light and I won't stand for it. I don't want to mean it any better than that. I cant give it any more thought. There isn't space left for that. You should have seen me packing. Everyone came out and you were there too.
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[29 Dec 2009|11:34pm] |
so im not allowed to see anna anymore? because she said "hijo de puta" and "maricon" on my skype and my mom heard her? uh... right. so today we did a hang out sesh romeo and juliet sneaaky style. went to see avatar for my 2nd time, but this time in 3D and in spanish... shit. i love that movie. jillian just posted about it and thats EXACTLY how i feel and it freaks me out... here ( read this. )
besides that, i took a cold shower in the dark tonight which can only mean one thing... i don't know what to feel think. whats new!?
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[30 Dec 2009|12:30am] |
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music |
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Moby - The Rain Falls and the Sky Shudders,Radiohead - I will |
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ах как хорошо было бы поехать в лес
одеться потеплее,взять с собой термос и вино
бутерброды
хороших ребят
гулять,падать в снег,заблудиться,кричать громко
там пахнет свежестью,моя елка дома так не пахнет
чтобы машин не было,а была только тишина
и огромное пространство вокруг
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[28 Dec 2009|06:55pm] |
yesterday i didn't have any internet. oooh my god. so yeah i just went through all of my photos and made a folder containing all of the following photos entitled 'love'. these are the photos that i miss lots and made me smile.
( said i want you to stay. )
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| New Light Kit |
[28 Dec 2009|03:31pm] |
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I really want people to model for me!
I want to play with my new photo light set so bad.
Miss this boy :-|
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[28 Dec 2009|02:44pm] |
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[28 Dec 2009|08:19am] |
New Years Eve is basically my least favorite holiday, but I am ready for it to be a New Year. I think I've been waking up at 7:30 without exception because I don't sleep too well in this bed. I am not looking forward to flying on Wednesday because I feel too tired for connecting flights. I am too tired to connect ha-ha-ha.
Well, I have basically bought the world while here and my non-childhood bedroom is surrounded by Sephora, Dillards, Betsey Johnson, Forever 21, ten random thrift stores, Marshalls, Best Buy & Target bags. Whoops! Whoops guys, I have no self-control. At least during the holidays I am an emotional spender instead of an emotional eater? What the fuck how did I even put that in a sentence like it was an okay or good thing?
Anyway, I have been speaking with my parents mainly in Italian and that's been pretty fun. I mess up the same things I messed up as a kid which is calling masculine things feminine and feminine things masculine some of the time. But what the hell man, the car is a dude and a the table is a girl and maybe the keys too but not the dishwasher? Yeah, yeah-- I know, I know. I think I even got that wrong but now it's not funny like I was six. Anyway, half of what comes out of my mouth is Sicilian dialect, Spanish and now a little bit of Latin! Whoops again.
Wednesday I leave for Portland but my flight isnt until 5:30 which kind of makes me nervous. Any insane thing will make me feel nervous right now most likely because I feel insane and nervous. More so than usual. I get in late,like at 11 which will feel like one and then the next day is new years eve and then I believe New Years day we begin our descent down the coast. First we are stopping in a town called Eureka and I don't remember why but we are staying in some crazy Inn and I got to pick the room.
Here are pictures of "Old Town Eureka" and then Room #35
And look at how dream like the rooms are:
Then from Eureka we proceed to San Francisco where we are staying for two nights at The Queen Anne Hotel but I don't know where we are going afterward and I wish I did because I lie about being spontaneous.
i just found out father is having some tournament in San Fransico at the end of January but now I cant remember at what hotel but it looks very much like a geometry project.
I guess I should take a shower or watch more Dawson's Creek because no one else is going to wake up for a while.
I got an HP 10 Inch mini Netbook or whatever but I feel like it is so slow. Everyone said something about slow but I forget that I dont listen to anyone so there is that. I didn't get a digital SLR camera for Christmas because I was bad and Santa knew it. Not the Santa at Countryside Mall who told his life confession to Ilana about being fired from the Dr.Pepper company while holding her hand and asking her how scared she felt on a scale of 1-10 because she was Jewish and had never sat on Santa's lap. At this point I was already done with it and taking pictures of myself.
He wouldn't write down "Daniela Scrima-- Golden Doodle Puppy".
Lumps of coal for everyone.
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| yellowing |
[28 Dec 2009|12:24am] |
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i looked through our photo albums, and i found albums of my parents, my mother when she was little, then in high school and university, my dad on his backpacking travels, them going on trips together, their marriage day, and the meticulous records of my brother and my births, the months passing etc. the pictures were so funny. my parents were there - in the 70s, in the 80s, with their fluff-cloud haircuts, my mother in her awkward years and then as a fashionable young woman, and then as a really beautiful woman at the prime of her life. it was just ridiculous, amazing, just looking at these pictures of her at what, 10, 12 years old, just another restless, skinny, all-limbs kinda girl with the bowl hair cut, just like me at 10, 12 years old - and looking at her, and if i could tell her, i am your daughter, you are my mother. can you imagine that? it was crazy. yet my mother's face was there, in that little girl's features. it seemed like such a nice time, a nice era. i feel like so many years of my life have just flown by and i have no idea what to make of them, what memories to pull out and place in a chain of good times. did you know, little girl, that you and i would fight to the very bitterest ends, yell at each other every single night for an agonizing stretch of time? did you know that we would hurt each other, twist each other's hearts to the very cruelest limits?
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[27 Dec 2009|11:25am] |
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Waiting in some room in Palm Harbor for a massage can't move my neck or turn my head or get up to ask what's taking so long. It's a Sunday I wonder how obnoxious I look. There are women on pilates machines too bending themselves in half. I can do these tricks too. Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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[26 Dec 2009|11:01pm] |
i am observant. that's what i have to be. i think i should just put myself to sleep now and enjoy it. listen to the rain, sleep, dream, think too much, miss, butterflies. m-m-my, m-m-my, my, my.
"amor, quiero perderme en tus ojos. no se si puede traducir igual en ingles."
"si vida, es igual."
"entonces."
oh and shit, i wanted to remember this thing that is from gustavo:
"polilla q tengas una feliz navidad.. mucha felicidad para ti y mucha tranquilidad en tu familia e aya.. q tu estes feliz s mucho pa mi.. sea como sea.. pero cosas buenas.. y metate esto en la cabezapolilla.. cuando me acerco a ti.. no es para pedirte algo ni nada.. somos amigos y listo.. eso de irte no va conmigo.. cuidate mucho poli.. si contestar algo hazlo a mi cell"
which is basically just:
"polilla (my little moth), i hope you have a merry christmas. i wish you happiness and calmness for your family in the US. if you are happy, i am happy. whatever will be, will be.. but good things! keep that in your head, polilla (moth). when i am close to you, its not to get something from you, we can be just friends and thats that. you dont have to run away from me. take care of yourself poli, if you want to answer me, write my cell."
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[26 Dec 2009|12:02pm] |
the WEIRDEST christmas i will ever have, im almost positive.
basic rundown is as follows:
december 24th: we just hung out all day, didnt really do much of anything, saw anna for a bit and walked her to the spa, waited until it got dark/cool and walked to the store myself in teh dark (scary shit, i need to be smarter) and bought cookie making supplies, talking the creepy store boy for a long time and decided i actually like him he is just a little *dur da dur*, made cookies while everyone went crazy in the house as people arrived around 9 PM, lost power until 1:30 AM basically and just did karaoke in the dark?, ate dinner at 130, crashed on couch, woke up at 330 for gift time!, opened gifts and shit with everyone until people started to disperse and sleep around 530, waited for my sister and brother to finish their gifts until 630, waited a half hour to see if my mom would open her gifts, at 7 she decided she was too tired and wanted to do it "tomorrow" aka later. SLEPT!
decemeber 25th: roberto brought me the phone/woke me at 12 noon, juan pablo called and said he was coming over, spent time with him until about 3 ish, anna called me and was like, "wanna go see pedro and theresa in the center?!", drank lots of sangria and played "i have never", last time we will see pedro before he goes back to brasil!!!! :(, went home, conversed with the relatives, anna came back over, we got ready and went out to nisha, discotecaaa and vodka, danced with everyone BUT juan pablo... uhm, thats a whole different entry, anddd came home at 2:11 AM and my mom was pissed? what?, layed on my floor with anna being reaaaally sober, skyped her friends in oregon, debated together about gustavo and how he is SO CUTE and juan pablo and how we just LOVE DIEGO SO MUCH <3, then i texted people in this order 1)gustavo 2)diego 3)fell asleep texting juan pablo... woke up to say hi to more of annas friends on skype around 430
december 26th: woke up to denisse the maid running around my room screaming "what happened in here!?!?", woke up with anna in my small baby bed, lol, cleaned my room, dressed anna bc her mom was like "WE ARE GOING TO PERU NOW!", went downstairs and was shunned by my family bascically, my mom said i cant turn on the AC.... so now im in my room fan on full blast hiding out and stickin it to her i hope but idk if that is working.
up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down. that is how my life goes here in ecuador. that is it.
( here are the pictures. )
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| she is bawled up on the couch |
[26 Dec 2009|09:40am] |
My neck has been perpetually out for days while everyone around me coughs up what's left of H1N1 and I pretend I am in the movie "Outbreak" I pretend it's Chapter 3 of The Stand. I learn (just like I learn annually) that you can never really go home again, that you will always be replaced by some girl that looks too much like you or a circle of friends that hits the repeat button when the button really says "rewind". I could write him an e-mail and articulate all of it so properly, I can hear just how it would go but I'm sick of writing e-mails so I'll send out psychic signals to the universe with my half broken neck and all the promises of the golden Land. I'll think that maybe in time I could write like that and until then I just can't write like anything.
I face the facts: I arrive in Florida and allow a woman to cover my face in acid for fifteen minutes.
None of this bothers me and no, the acid on the face is not related to the head ache.
My parets cannot get off each others backs on Christmas morning so I make them drinks and clean the kitchen. We put on Troy and they fall asleep and I keep saying that Hector doesn't kill Menealus because he goes to Egypt and then Telemachaus sees him with Helen. And everyone is asleep thoguh mom wakes up briefly to say that Paris and Helen end up together and I wake up briefly to explain how I am either the reincarnation of or direct descent of Homer.
I am Homer, guys.
My face stops peeling off and I think a lot about maps and bank accounts and how you pack suit cases with a broken neck or tend to guests or don't feel homesick.
And I wish I was in Ohio. And I want to cry, I desperately want to cry but my mother is crying at the kitchen table. I've made her crying and she asks me to remember things that I cannot possibly remember. She asks me to remember when she shopped at Macy's 8 months pregnant and I was in utero and did not like the musicians playing so I began flipping around in her belly and she could see my little foot my little hand and it was Christmas 1984 and I was born January 1985 and well, do I remember? And I nod my head because it seems accurate enough.
Everyone tells me I have to start using organic deoderant or I wont be fertile and I tell them that I already started using chlorine-free tampons to which most people respond "there is chlorine in tampons?" And I try so hard to give a shit to recycle. To make long distance phone calls to give advice even though I don't know when Sal's voice changed and I can't see Nicole driving so I mainly miss Ohio.
I put my head in the hands of Randy Phoenix and I beg him to change my hair. To baptize me in the color bowl, to make me anyone else.
"Jackie O on a bad day"
"But that would just be you sweetheart"
And I stop calculating money in my head or weighing myself or vomitting and I am scared of Alex and California and the way strangers say "Hi" or that the planet is vast or that black holes exist in outer space and it is all just like turning 10 when you realize you're in double digits and time is running out.
And a new camera and the west coast and better hair and hospitality, they will all save your life. Even though you've known from the get go that they do not plan to. They have not even considered it.
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[25 Dec 2009|03:41pm] |
mi viiiidaaaaaa, por fin puedo estar contigo. me llamó a las 12, y dijó "mi amor, quiero verte. puedo irme a tu casa?" y claro le dijé "venga aquí amor, por favor." me levanté y me vestí rapidito y aquí estuvó juan pablo a la puerta. la encontró a mi famila y todo, y fuimos caminando a la tienda... caminando lentos y juntos. <3 me besó, besamos, me besó. comimos un helado de coco y regresamos a mi casa. todos estaban dormiendo, que callada mi casa. besamos en la cocina. yo imaginé que es nuestra cocina en nuesta casa... pero no es. fuimos afuera y nos sentamos juntos por horas... <3 qué lindo eres mi amor. tan feliz yo estoy. por dios.
( dos más )
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[25 Dec 2009|09:21am] |
"she wants to know if i love her, that's all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet"
jonathan safran foer
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[25 Dec 2009|07:19am] |
weirdest christmas ever. still havent slept and its 7:12 AM. juan pablo is in his bed wrapped in bandages and cant remember yesterday, recently, or what happened to him (?).. however has called me repeatedly asking me the same questions over and over and being very out of it. apparently he hit his head, or got hit, or something.. idk. its fuckin weird and scary and i cried a lot at first. gustavo called me and was like, "was juan pablo at your house today?!" all freaking out and weird shit and then finally told me the story and i was like, "dont joke with me. its not funny." and then when i found out it was for real i just started balling. it still feels weird and i dont know about it... mmmm, anyway gustavo is being the sweetest friend to me while also being my biggest fear. and i just waited up until now waiting for my f'ing mami to open her presents and she just decided she is too tired and needs to be attentive... "tomorrow" we will.... which is later today really. har har har. what a divster. i only cried in regards to missing my family at the dinner table 1 time, despite numerous attempts. i hate the attention after the first tear rolls because that makes it so so much worse. ( i know those situations are awkard for other people and they only want to comfort you but "awhhhh, VIVA LA KELSEY!" is NOT the way to go.) so for now, i will sleep and wake up idk when... hopefully get permission to go to juan pablo's house and make sure he is okay. all he kept saying on the phone was, "come here my love. i need you." poor little thing. what a nut case for real. xoxo.
merrrrry christmas y feliz navidad. espero que ustedes la pasen bien y que los mando todos mi amor, cariño, y besitos. <3
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